


Without Fear Now

by jekisawrites



Series: I Wanna Move Inside of Your Light [2]
Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 20:36:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21287798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jekisawrites/pseuds/jekisawrites
Summary: Clarke's POV for part 4 of AMIGIY
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Series: I Wanna Move Inside of Your Light [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1534568
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	Without Fear Now

Growing up, Clarke’s house sat on five acres. It wasn’t much in country living, but it was a lot for a house sitting within Arkadia’s city limits. To her, it was enough to feel like her own kingdom. Enough grass to run barefoot during the spring and autumn. Enough trees to go hide in during the sweltering summer months. Enough for a bonfire outside by the lake to roast marshmallows during winter. It was enough for her.

Whenever she would go away for any amount of time, coming home felt like being wrapped up in the moss and the evergreen pines and the pecan leaves. The trees whispering in her ear,  _ You’re home, you’re home, you’re safe.  _

Her home comforted her far more than most people ever did. 

She thinks maybe that’s why she fell in love with Bellamy Blake so quickly and seamlessly. 

Her home let her be a princess going on wild adventures, a dragon rescuing a friend from unwanted affection, a native gathering berries after a long winter, a goddess coming down from the stars to save her people. 

When she met Bellamy, time for make believe had ended, but she was still all of those things and more. Once they became friends, Bellamy never tried to put her in a box. He let her be wild, hesitant, and true in ways that many of her friends at Ark Public never allowed. 

She was doomed to fall in love with him from the start. 

Being his friend was being his equal, his confidant, his family. Clarke didn’t realize how desperately she needed that until years after meeting him. All she knew at twelve was that he didn’t look down on her for being a girl or for wanting to be the best in her classes or for claiming that she never, ever, ever wanted kids of her own. 

From the first moment they were friends, she always loved him. Her soul constantly whispering,  _ That’s him. That’s our person. That’s our home.  _

But at twelve years old, she didn’t understand that love and what it meant. What she knew was that she liked the curls at the nape of his neck, liked the freckles on his face and neck and shoulders. She was fascinated by the scar on his lip, and she craved to know the story behind it. Her stomach dipped when he smiled at her, and came fully alive when he laughed at something she said or showed him in spanish class. She knew that when he stretched and the shirt he was wearing moved up so that she could see the skin between his pants and shirt, she wanted to see more of him. 

It wouldn’t be for another few years that she realized that her heart was calling to his. It would be even longer until she realized that his heart was calling hers, too. 

Over the years, she grew used to the whispers, and could tune them out. Months went by when she thought that maybe she wasn’t in love with him anymore, but that was never the case. She just stopped listening to the cries of her soul. 

There would always be a moment after these months, though, where her soul would force her to listen, it’s cries and yearnings growing louder with every second that passed. 

It grew louder when her father died, and Bellamy fell through her second story window only to sit with her in silence, to hold her when she finally broke down crying. It grew louder when he came to visit her in the Dominican Republic, going on adventures together and sharing the quiet parts of their hearts. It grew louder when he asked her if there was any reason he shouldn’t date Echo, when she first saw him with his students, when he came to her wanting to create a safe place for the kids of Mecha, when he stood by her during all her foster kids coming and going, and finally staying. 

It grew so loud she could barely function when she saw Madi and Bellamy sitting on the porch together eating popsicles, and that night when Madi confessed in a whisper that she didn’t want a dad if that dad wasn’t Bellamy. 

And while she knew she loved him with something so deep it ran in her bones, grew new with every beat of her heart, she also was acutely aware of his flaws. Of their flaws. Of his tendency to decide with his hurricane of emotions rather than logic. His tendency to hide behind his family and his home, using them as an excuse not to do what his heart truly desires. His tendency to put so much pressure on himself that his knees buckle, his back breaks, and his brain shouts and screams at him to stop. 

She was aware of their views differing because of how they were brought up. How they could both be explosive with their anger. How they hesitate and scare themselves from speaking of their wants and needs. 

How they love each other so much, it hinders them from moving forward. 

But her heart is tired of wanting and craving and yearning for something so close she can touch it, but still can’t call it hers. 

Bellamy is playing with her hands, rubbing his thumb across the scar on her palm from where she burnt herself with a hot glue gun during college. He’s drinking tea she made him, and mindlessly watching the weather channel. 

It’s all so intimate and domestic. 

She wants to throw up. 

“Bellamy?” 

She watches him as he takes another sip of his tea before turning to look at her. His eyes so soft, so welcoming, she wants to fall into them. 

“Do you love me?” 

He smiles like this is some kind of game, “Of course I do. You know that.” 

She pauses, trying to find the words for what she really wants to ask. A question she already knows the answer to, but needs to hear it from him. 

“Are you in love with me?” 

_ Because I am so in love with you it hurts.  _

She notices him freeze, his eyes go wide. She thinks she might’ve broken him. 

His voice his hoarse when he says her name. But it’s not an answer, and it’s not enough for her anymore. 

“Just once, Bell, just once I want you to be able to tell me how you feel.” 

She suddenly feels like crying, and she’s not entirely sure why. 

His hand drops hers, and there’s suddenly more space between them than before. 

“Clarke, you know…” 

“You’ve never once been honest about it!” It’s so much harsher than she wanted it to be. 

His face is blank when he throws it back at her, “Neither have you. The only time we’ve ever been honest about our feelings was when we were kids in the D.R.” 

He’s right, and she knows it. She’s so tired of this dance they’ve been doing for over a decade. 

“How do you expect me to be honest when you aren’t?” 

He clenches his jaw, and she knows he’s about to yell even before he opens his mouth. “The same could be said about you!” 

She watches him, begging him to finally be honest with both of them, especially himself, but she doesn’t dare say another word. There’s nothing left for her to say. 

He tells her that he wasn’t allowed to feel as a kid, that growing up in Mecha deprived him of that, and she wants to shout that he’s not a kid anymore. She manages to say it softer than she feels, and for that she’s grateful. 

She keeps watching as he gets up and stares out his window. Something he’s done a thousand times to get his bearings. 

She doesn’t think he’s going to say anything more, but then he takes a breath and she can see him steady himself. 

“I have never loved another soul the way I love yours, and it scares the hell out of me, Princess.” 

He’s in her space now, his hands once again wrapped around hers. His hands are warm and coarse and she never wants to feel another’s against hers. 

His curls fall into his face as he dips his head down, their breath mingling like old friends, and whispers only for her to hear, “It scares the hell out of me because you are my family. If we screw this up, if we screw us up, I don’t know how I will be able to handle life.” 

She wants to argue with him. Tell him that they won’t mess this up, that they’ve been walking and running and soaring towards this  _ thing,  _ this monumental piece of both of them, for so long that it’s impossible to screw it up. But she’s seen marriages once founded in love and adoration fall apart. She’s seen couples cemented in goodness and hope completely crumble when death comes to destroy them. She wants to argue that they’ll defeat the odds, but she has no proof of that. Only her heart, her soul, screaming at her that this is it. 

This is the moment, and to hell with the rest of the world. 

She doesn’t get the chance to even try to reason, to argue with him, because Bellamy’s hands cup her face and she leans up to meet him, and then,  _ finally,  _ his lips are on hers. She sighs, and opens up, welcoming him home. 

When they pull away, his eyes are softer than she’s ever dreamed them to be, and she can feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. 

“I’m in love with you, Bellamy Blake.” 

She thinks she feels her soul sigh and relax into his.

He kisses her forehead and pulls her to his chest, holding her close. 

“You’re it for me. There’s no one else, Clarke. Even if there was, I’m choosing you.” 

She squeezes him, face buried in his neck, trying to hold back the tears that are trying their hardest to escape. 

He pulls away again and cups her face in his hands, the action so soft and tender. When he sees the tears in her eyes, he kisses her left, and then her right. 

She laughs, relieved and overwhelmed with emotion, “What now?” 

He shrugs, “We’ll figure it out later.” 

She leans up on her toes and presses her lips against his cheek. 

Later sounds good when they have the rest of their lives. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I had writer's block for part of the last chapter. Figured I might as well go ahead and post it.  
Hope u enjoyed :)
> 
> Title from Dermot Kennedy’s song Without Fear. His whole album was the soundtrack to AMIGIY so I highly recommend listening :)
> 
> come hang with me on [tumblr](https://thefangirlingbarista.tumblr.com/)


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